Anorexic Male

This morning I already instantly feel thrown into self disgust. It’s really tireing. I don’t think people realize how much and how often it really bothers me constantly.

I feel disgusting! I was so thirsty, so I bought a Diet Pepsi. I feel gross because I know the 20oz bottle is adding a whole pound to my body. Hopefully it doesn’t last long and it goes away. I really need help if a Diet Pepsi is stressing me out. But I don’t want help.

So today I’m having this constant feeling of disgust. Not new I guess, but today it’s really extreme. I feel like I want one of two things: Either never eat again, or be 100% better. I know neither of those is possible, but I think I’d rather just never eat again. But either way, it’s not possible. Either I’ll try starving myself and be forced to eat by others, or I’ll go along with others and eat more and hate myself even more.

And I’m obsessed with writing ‘FAT’ on my hand today. I keep re-writing it even though I don’t want it written there.

Welcome

Let me start off by introducing myself. I’m an 18 year old male living in the United States midwest, I love technology and video games, and I’m an avid Mac-fanatic. But I’m also anorexic. I’ve had the disease for about 4 or 5 years, but I wasn’t diagnosed officially until just a few weeks ago.

My life appears normal to outside people: I’m happy, I have nice things and never seem to have any problems getting through life easily. But to the few people close enough to know me deeper, they know the real secrets. My life is constantly stressed with my fear of food. This blog follows my daily life. I have another blog on Tumblr about my daily life, but that one neglects to mention my eating disorder at all, so if you’re creative and skilled enough to find my other blog, good for you!

You can e-mail me at salokinm@gmail.com if you have any comments, and I’ll probably reply. My name isn’t Ed or Salokin or anything that I post here, so I’m remaining as anonymous as possible.